I just want to walk and keep walking until I can’t anymore. I want to get in a car and drive a thousand kilometres an hour and just keep going. I just want to escape. It’s a hard feeling to explain but it starts with a tingle in my left side and slowly it’s like this wave of paralysis hits me and i’m either reduced to tears or incapable of moving. I have been told to expect this and I have been told to learn to sit with this feeling. How can I when it is so uncomfortable? It’s like being asked to just ‘learn to sit with the feeling of a thousand ants biting you all over your body’. I can’t sit with it, I want it gone. This feeling has made me push people away, resent people, become completely introverted - all behaviours very uncommon for myself. I am beginning to lose hope that I will be able to overcome this illness. I have put all practices that professionals have taught me, into play - to no avail. I have tried reaching out to friends - but they have their own lives and own issues, and I can understand why they may not take my requests for help seriously, given that I am usually full of life. Well, I can’t anymore. I can’t pretend I am doing well anymore, because at the end of the day - i’m not. I am still filled with hatred for the people who have left me like this, and the people who caused this illness to rear its ugly head. I am at the end of my tether and some big changes need to be implemented for me to really become well. All I needed was someone tonight, anyone, and no one was there. I think that’s what hurts the most. When you muster the courage to tell someone you love that you aren’t okay, and that you need some support - and no one follows through. Suicide is a strange topic because I have found my views to have shifted dramatically since being diagnosed with Bi-Polar and learning more about the illness. Sure, it may seem like a cowards way out. It may be the ultimate act in selfishness. But I just can’t agree with that anymore. I really understand now, how incredibly brave people are to resist succumbing to their thoughts. I find it less selfish to commit suicide than to spend a lifetime hurting yourself and others. It’s exhausting having nothing to look forward too, when realistically, every day brings new opportunity for amazing experiences. This is the struggle I face on a daily basis, and I am perpetually stuck in a war against my own mind. My mind is currently winning.
My arm is in the latest issue of tattoos down under. So proud of my artist Amie Lee at Trailer Trash Tattoo, such a talented woman I love her to death.